2016-04-04

Will Ellen DeGeneres make my dream come true ?




  Ellen is making dreams come true. On her website she asks, "Do you want Ellen to make your dreams come true?"  Yes, I do have a dream.  It is not to go on a tropical vacation, nor a chance to win cash or a chance to meet my favorite celebrity. 

  My dream requires no more than a stage, with ears willing to hear my story of survival. 

  My story is one of being relentlessly bullied throughout my high school years.  

  The reason I want to share my story is because I know intimately of the consequences to the victim when bullying gets out of control. When bullying gets out of control, victims can find themselves ostracized from an entire school. 

  When this happens a pecking order arises where others humiliate the victim to quickly and firmly establish their own social status. Bystanders, and bullies alike cease to have empathy for the victim as they become targets for public shaming, and ridicule. The victim is no longer perceived as a human being deserving of respect. 

  As a result they become threatened on a daily basis. I was told multiple times that I should seriously consider suicide because no one likes me.

  Many of those who endure this degree of hatred fail their education, and become high school drop-outs because they simply cannot endure yet another day of abuse. 

  The psychological stress and impact of being bullied is devastating. Especially in a time when the adolescent  brain is undergoing critical psychological and neurological development. And  that person is beginning to define a concept of self and their role in society. 

  Because victims of severe bullying lose out on forming meaningful, and purposeful relationships - they become emotionally stunted in their development as adults. Often they are prone to developing crippling mental health issues like social anxiety, chronic depression, and even post traumatic Stress Disorder. 

  I know because this is my story. My experiences of being bullied had led me to 5 suicide attempts after dropping out of high school, and a string of dysfunctional relationships because of my low self-esteem. Now I live on disability for chronic depression, social anxiety, and panic attacks. 

  My story illustrates the lifelong damage that can result from being bullied, and just how destructive that damage is. 

  However,  I can also speak on the strengths that I found in my adversities. Strengths that led me to become a" Guinness World Record" holder as well as a" Ripley's Believe It or Not" record holder, among other notable achievements like being in a nationwide article, and being published in 2 books. 

  I also found purpose in being an advocate for mental health issues, and anti-bullying. 

  I can also speak on what I think needs to be done to help resolve the bullying issue. 

  I think schools should be held accountable for implementing, and maintaining a strict no bullying atmosphere. There is an answer to the bullying problem, but it requires a network of school authorities sharing their strategies and successes to the bullying problem and implementing an anti-bullying curriculum.

  A curriculum that teaches that content of character and moral aptitude are just as critical as academic success.  

  There needs to be discussion among school trustees, principles, teachers, and in the classroom addressing the bullying issue. Discussions also need to take place when conflict occurs, discussions that include the bullied, the bully, and the bystander.  

  Every issue starts with awareness, then debate.  And eventually collaborative efforts to resolve the issue. Evil happens when good people do nothing. We need to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

  It is my dream to present a speech on the Ellen DeGeneres show detailing everything I have spoken about. Because I want that one moment in my life where I can use what I have learned and experienced, to positively affect as many lives as possible. 

  I have written blogs, and made YouTube videos on the subject -with little attention. I have even shared my material with every school, school principle, and school trustee in my city with little effect. I have even approached schools with speeches I have written but was declined. Some schools simply told me they didn't have a bullying problem even though I knew otherwise. Others simply did not offer to work with me to create a mutually beneficial speech. 

  I believe I went through this life experience for a reason. It is my experience ,as a victim of bullying, that qualifies me to speak on the subject. My asset is my willingness to speak about my pains, and struggle. And my story provides its own new and unique insights to the bullying issue. 

  I want the satisfaction and sense of purpose that comes with knowing I did something that benefited the lives of others on a larger scale. 

  The opportunity to make a difference in the lives of so many people is one thing that would fulfill my attempt of self-reward. I would feel great if I could help others.

2016-03-31

Dear Ellen DeGeneres, I Have A Dream





Hello Ellen,

  My name is Darryl Learie, and I have a simple dream.  My dream is to present an anti-bullying speech on your show. I was severely bullied throughout high school, and consequently suffered the damaging psychological effects of being bullied long into my adult years. 

   Now I live on disability for depression, anxiety, and panic attacks (bullying had certainly played a rather large role in the development of my pathology). 

  Despite my life journey being paved with fear, self-doubt, confusion, and judgment (all those things which accompany mental illness) there remains a potential that sparks within me. That potential has led me to become: a Guinness World Record Holder, a" Ripley's Believe It or Not" record holder, and published in 2 books. 

  However, I have yearned for years for that moment to make a meaningful impact upon a part of this world. I want to have a stage with ears willing to listen to those thoughts, and concerns which burden my heart. For I believe I went through this life experience for a reason.

  And my story is just one of many shared on social media sites like YouTube and Blogger. But all I can offer is my own heartfelt sincerity, openness, and willingness to share my story. I believe I can present a speech which can inspire, educate, and promote more compassion among us all. 

   If I get this opportunity to speak to your audience, I would make the time available most meaningful and purposeful to this cause.

darryl.learie@yahoo.com 

Work I have already done





 
('standing up for mental illness' blog in a YouTube video)
 

2016-03-08

The Ancestry / Genealogy of Darryl Wayne Wellington Learie

note: This is a first revision, a second revision will eventually follow to verify details. At the bottom of page are files you are free to view and download given that we are potentially related.

The Ancestry / Genealogy of Darryl Wayne Wellington Learie







  I was born Darryl Wayne Wellington Learie back in 1973, December 6th (4:45 pm pacific time) at Kelowna General Hospital (room 309B) in Kelowna, British Columbia, Canada. My mother's maiden name is Irenee Marjatta Elizabeth Vastamaa (born 1954, January 29th,St.Joseph Hospital,Lachine(Montreal),Quebec,Canada) and my father's name is Wayne Wellington Learie (born 1949, April 17th,Vancouver,British Columbia,Canada).

  On my father's side my grandfather's name is Joesph Learie, and my grandmother's name is Fanny Learie (married name). On my mother's side my grandfather's name is Jalmari Vastamaa (born 1922, September 23rd,Kuorevesi,Finland), and my grandmother's maiden name is Tuovi Eliisa Koivisto (born 1925, December 25th,Orivesi,Finland).

  On my father's side I have a half sister (share same father), Jacqueline Perron (born 1970,January 3rd), and a half brother (share same father), Wayne Wellington Learie (junior) (born 1994,October 12th). My half sister Jacqueline has a daughter, Taiha Perron (born 1988,January 12th). And apparently my father had a sister, Barbera Learie (1941-1991,deceased).

  My mother has 3 sisters by maiden name they are: Kaija Vastamaa (born 1946,July 22nd,Finland), Irmeli Aino Ritva Vastamaa (born 1948,November 21st,Finland), and Brigette Vastamaa (born 1959, May 1st). My aunt Kaija has a son, Stephane Romain Lefebvre (born 1965, March 28th). My Aunt Irmeli has a daughter, Carrie Elisa Anita Armistead . And my aunt Brigette has a daughter, Melanie Mitchell (born 1993, August 22nd).

  I have a daughter, Raven Ashely Lapatak (born 1997, August 21st (10:58pm), Royal Alexandra Hospital, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada). Her mother is Maxine May Lapatak (born
1978, June 21st, Vilna, Alberta, Canada).

  My grandmother's (Tuovi Eliisa Koivisto, on my mothers side) father's name is Juho Kustaa Koivisto (born 1881, January 25th, died 1953, June 29th,Kangasala, Finland). My grandmother's mother's maiden name is Helmi Matilda Yliniemi (born 1888, April 21st, died 1958 February 7th,Orivesi,Finland).

  Helmi's father's name is Kustaa August Yliniemi (born 1860, May 7th,died 1932, Finland). Helmi's mother's name is Heta Stiina Juhontytar Yliniemi (born 1851, June 23rd, died 1929, February 25th, Finland).

  Juho's Father's name is Kaarle August Koivisto (born 1858, April 26th, died 1940, December 27th, Finland). Juho's mother's name is Amanda Koivisto (born 1863, December 21st, died 1935, January 1St).

  My grandmother's (on my mothers side) has 1 brother, and 2 sisters, they are by maiden name: Eino Kalevi Koivisto (born 1922, May 5th, died 1986, August 17th, Juupajoki, Finland), Ella Helena Koivisto (born 1924, September 27th, Juupajoki, Finland), and Aini Elsi Kyllikki (born 1928, December 18th, Orivesi, Finland).

  My grandfather's (Jalmari Vastamaa, on my mothers side) father's name is Immaanuel Vastamaa (born 1886, June 27th, Ruovesi, Finland). My grandfather's mother's name is Elda Maria Valkama (maiden name) (born 1891, June 24th, Ruovesi, Finland).

  My grandfather had 2 sisters and a brother, they are by maiden name: Fanny Johanna Vastamaa (born 1911, April 1st, Ruovesi, Finland), Aarne Nikolai Vastamaa (born 1912, November 16th, Ruovesi, Finland), and Ida Maria Vastamaa (born 1914, September 25th, died 1916, March 25th).

  Immaanuel Vastamaa's father's name is Matti Vastamaa (junior) (born 1853, Finland). Immaanuel's mother's name is Ida Maria Vastamaa (born 1863, Finland). Immaanuel had 13 brothers and sisters.

  Matti's (junior) father's name is Matti Vastamaa (senior) (born 1817, Finland) and his mother's name is Henrika Vastamaa (born 1826, Finland). Matti Vastamaa (senior) father's name is Kaapo Vastamaa (born 1777, July 22nd), and his mother's name is  Anna Vastamaa (born 1787, Finland).
 
 
"Darryl Learie"

1974 - (from left to right) My mother, Irenee Vastamaa, Me, Darryl Learie, and my father, Wayne Learie


Darryl Learie

1983 - (from left to right, back standing) my mother, Irenee Vastamaa, and her sisters Irmeli Vastamaa, Brigette Vastamaa, and kaija Vastamaa
(from left to right, second row) Me, Darryl Learie, My grandfather, Jalmari Vastamaa, My cousin, Carrie Armistead, and my grandmother, Tuovi Vastamaa
(front) my cousin, Stephane Romain Lefebvre

Darryl Learie

1992 - (from left to right, back) my mother, Irenee Vastamaa, me, Darryl Learie
(from left to right, front) my grandfather, Jalmari Vastamaa, my grandmother, Tuovi Vastamaa.


Darryl Learie

2003 - (from left to right) my father, Wayne Wellington Learie, my daughter, Raven Ashely Lapatak, and me, Darryl Learie


Immaanuel Vastamaa

1953 - Immaanuel Vastamaa


Helmi Matilda Koivisto (Yliniemi)

1926 - Helmi Matilda Yliniemi (Koivisto by marriage)

  Without a doubt family history gets very complex. Through submitting my DNA through 23andme I found out my paternal and maternal haplogroup, and that I have 881 relatives who share part of my DNA. Haplogroups are genetic mutations that occur on the sex chromosomes (mutations occur every few hundreds to thousand years), thus those who share my inherited haplogroup share the same distant ancestor. My paternal haplogroup inherited from my father (along the Y chromosome), Wayne Wellington Learie is R1a1a. My maternal haplogroup inherited from my mother (along the X chromosome) is J2a1a.

                                                                     
                                   YouTube video of my DNA relatives found through 23andme

Genealogy / DNA Files

My mother's father's family tree - Jalmari Vastamaa - 1991 (Official) / Tuovi Koivisto (small part)

My mother's mother's family tree - Tuovi Koivisto - 2013 (Official)

Darryl Learie / Raven Lapatak Family Tree - 2014 04 24 (".ged" file - download only)

Darryl Learie DNA Partial Genome - 2015 09 28 (source: 23andme)

Relative Finder - 881 Relatives found through DNA - 2016 03 07 (source: 23andme)

Ancestry Finder - 2015 11 09 (source: 23andme)

2016-03-05

10 Newspaper articles on Homelessness, Crime and Mental Illness


10 Newspaper articles on homelessness, crime, and mental illness

  From 2005 09 14 to 2006 10 24, I worked as a columnist for a small street paper,"Our Voice." The writers made very little money while vendors (usually homeless people) sold the paper for extra monies. Our audience was around 6,000 people within the Edmonton, Alberta, Canada region.

  The paper focused on,'empowering the marginalized' often spreading awareness on the subject of homelessness, and other relevant social injustices.

  Although the following 10 articles are over a decade old, their content still remains worthwhile. Thankfully I was able to scan the following articles into PDF's, and share the links via my Google Drive. Simply click the link below the pictured article to read the article. And thank-you again for your interest. 



2005 09 14 - (mental illness) Lifelong Learning for survival



















2005 11 11 - (Rememberence Day) Destiny may choose un-willing and fearful to become next Hero


















2005 11 11 - (Edmonton - City of Champions) Are you a champion?


















2005 12 16 - (Homelessness) True Champions Found within our city


















2005 12 16 - (Social Injustice) Size of one's heart measured by others' perspectives


















2006 01 26 - (Fictional Story - Homelessness) Earth or Mars, survival dependent on heart of many


















2006 03 10 - (Life & Philosophy) Sorry there are no answers, only resolution, love and faith


















2006 04 27 - (Horrible Teenage Crime) Crime and the Will Conley effect


















2006 07 09 - Black Foot Donald crosses dimensions The Dance of man vs himself (part 1)


















2006 10 24 - Destiny in motion The Dance of man vs himself (part 2)


2016-02-27

Teenagers, Drugs and Alcohol

Teenagers, Drugs and Alcohol

My experience with drugs and alcohol


Darryl Learie
The first time I tried alcohol, and marijuana I was 24 years-old. Needless to say I never participated in the deeply concerning teenage culture of drugs and alcohol.

  At the time, I was deeply depressed, suicidal, and in a lot of pain. I had used the idea of women and their interest in me as a measure of my self worth. And their apparent lack of interest in me devastated me. I thought I was a good person with great qualities. 

  I gave up on myself, and my own morality and turned to alcohol and marijuana as a way to numb my pains. It was also the only way I could comfortably join my friends at the bar scene. Under the influence I could dance and socialize at the bar without my social anxieties and the fears associated with unpredictable drunks.

   I started to enjoy the party life that comes with beers, and pot (pot was my favorite drug of choice). I could let go of my insecurities, being self conscious, and finally pursue that part of me which just wanted to enjoy what life had to offer. Every weekend for months, I pursued every pleasure stoned on pot (everything seemed far more enjoyable stoned).

  Until one night I had an epiphany while stoned on pot. A dragon (take it for what it is) came to me and told me that all the happiness I had experienced while being on pot and alcohol was not real, and was an illusion. And that true happiness did not come from these things.

  And that profound experience brought me to realize that all the times I was happy drunk or stoned was just a string of illusions. Because the next morning I would find myself even more depressed and feeling less fulfilled in my life. It was a false happiness, a happiness fabricated by the drugs and alcohol.

  It was not the deep rooted lasting happiness that is the result of personal achievement, being true to one's self or finding ones purpose in the world.

  In fact, I remember being seen by people I respected while stoned, and feeling like an absolute loser. Being in that state I felt as if I had dismissed any integrity and self-respect I had for a good time. 

 It also brought upon many other revelations. I had realized that many of those who had partied the most usually had the least reason to celebrate. Their lives were not so much worth celebrating, in fact their lives were unmanageable and falling apart. Many of whom had highly questionable morals.

 Soon after I quit the weed, and alcohol and didn't look back. Unfortunately, marijuana was a gateway drug to smoking cigarettes of which years later I am still addicted too.

Teenagers, Drugs and Alcohol

 Many teenagers today drink, and smoke pot. Many people including adults feel that this is normal teenage behavior. But what is normal? If normal is to be defined by what many others are doing than I suppose teenagers drinking and smoking pot is normal. But is it healthy behavior? And that is the question no one seems to be asking.

  Today many teenagers pursue alcohol and pot as a life style choice, even posting their illegal activities on social media sites like Facebook. There's no shortage of teenage boys whose day to day conversations literally revolve around getting drunk and stoned. It's an epidemic.

 It's hard to write on this issue because there are so many points to be made and so many areas of concern to address.

  The first concern is when teens drink and smoke pot because their bored. It's concerning because its indicative that they are unable to cope or manage their emotional state. As a consequence they don't learn  to effectively handle the daily grind that comes with school, and work. Because of this they tend to skip school and become under achievers. They also become far less productive as individuals because they don't exercise their creative capacity to make effective use of their time. They're far less likely to learn new skills, and thus grow as a person.

  They often develop the attitude that the world ought to entertain them, and that everything and everyone is boring.

  It's also concerning when teens use drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism. Rather than working through those dark feelings and learning how to resolve them. When drugs become the temporarily band-aid to anger, anxiety, depression, etc, the underlying issues never get resolved. And as such those issues will constantly resurface in different situations.

  Without effective skills to resolving their darker feelings, they will become less apt to appropriately  handling difficult life situations. Which will lead them to becoming more upset, anxious and stressed more often and with more people in their lives.

  It's critical that teenagers develop a certain degree of emotional management. 

  Teenagers are vulnerable in their development. They lack the wisdom that comes with life experience. They still have a lot to learn, and their brains are still in a stage of heavy development.

  Needless to say, they don't tend to have the best judgement - they tend to be impulsive without much ability to forecast the consequences of their actions. Under the influence of alcohol their judgement is impaired. And that judgement becomes far more impaired when mixed with marijuana.

  This can lead to dangerous, and risky behaviors. Like unprotected sex leading to pregnancy, or STD's. Binge drinking which can lead to alcohol poisoning and death. Driving under the influence. Experimenting with other drugs. Taking up questionable dares. Engaging in fights that they would not of otherwise engaged in. And so forth.

  Not too mention the probability of date rape increases dramatically when alcohol is involved.

  When teens adopt a lifestyle of drugs, and alcohol they learn to associate socializing, and enjoyment with drugs, and alcohol. Many times to the point where they simply don't know how to enjoy themselves (or socialize even) without drugs, and alcohol.

  Often they will redefine their personal values, and beliefs to justify and validate their drug use. Their behaviors become solely conducive to drinking, smoking up, and partying. In contrast, personal responsibility, contribution and attention to their immediate family becomes deeply neglected. This tends to severely disrupt relationships within the immediate family unit.

   What teenagers need to learn is that a person can live a happy, fulfilling, rewarding, and purposeful life without drugs, and alcohol. They need to know that it is a possibility. And that true lasting happiness can be found in meaningful relationships, achievements, contribution, purpose, and spiritual growth.

   Many teenagers need positive mentors (who don't do drugs, and alcohol) who are successful in their lives to challenge, mold, and influence their thinking. So that they learn the greater benefits of pursuing a truly meaningful life.

   Teens need to realize that their place in society is one of being a student. It is their parents whose job it is to guide, and coach them. It is their teachers who are there to teach them. And it is their role to learn how to become a functioning, and effective adult.

   Teens who get into drugs, and alcohol lose sight of what it means to become an adult. Being an adult means being independent (financially), being accountable, being responsible (to family, to others, to themselves), being beneficial to others and the world around them, and doing what what needs to be done even if you don't like it. Drinking and getting stoned hardly makes you an adult.

Effects of alcohol and marijuana on the teenage brain
  
  Because the teenage brain is undergoing what is known as neural pruning (a process where the brain shrinks and new and more efficient neural pathways are formed) it is foolish to assume that alcohol, and marijuana won't have some negative effect on their neurological development.

  The Hippocampus is responsible for memory and learning. Teens who drink heavily and/or frequently have a 10% reduction in their hippocampus. The prefrontal lobe which is critical in planning, judgement, decision making, impulse control and language is smaller in heavy drinking teens than those who do not drink. Alas, there is also evidence of impaired problem solving, and cognitive function (Source) .

  Teens who drink are also at an increased risk for social problems, depression, suicidal thoughts, and violence (Source) . Not to mention the earlier teens begin drinking the greater risk they are for developing alcoholism in their adult lives. I have seen estimates where heavy drinking teens are 4 to 7 times as likely to suffer from alcoholism as an adult (Source) . And if they have a genetic predisposition to alcoholism (like alcoholism in the immediate family) they may already be 4 times as likely to develop alcoholism.

  Marijuana is bad for the teenage brain. It alters those brain regions involved in emotion and reward processing. And teens who regularly smoke pot can lose an average of 6 points in their overall IQ. If the average IQ is 100, that can put them at an IQ of 94 or lower. Another risk, is the risk of psychosis (a serious break from reality) for those who are genetically vulnerable to schizophrenia. Alas, Those who are genetically vulnerable to schizophrenia and smoke up are 6 times more likely to develop schizophrenia as an adult.

  Not to mention, those who smoke weed daily before age 17 are 18 times more likely to become dependent on marijuana as adults (Source) .

  It seems clear that teens who regularly smoke marijuana also seem to lack motivation and ambition. This is believed to be the result of lower dopamine levels. Lower dopamine in a part of the brain called the striatum is linked to less ambition and motivation at a neuronal level (Source) .

  There are numerous research studies on the effects of alcohol and marijuana on the adolescent brain. All of which can be found on the internet. I have only argued for and listed a few of those studies because I have already put hours, and hours into this blog post. It is my belief that marijuana is bad for the developing adolescent brain.

Conclusion

  Teenage drinking and pot use is a serious and complex problem - I know the very issue has personally affected and impacted my life. It needs to be further explored in greater detail. I have not yet even touched on how this epidemic results in crime, how it personally effects immediate family, the link between alcohol and domestic abuse and relationship abuse, and the dangerous doors that are opened in the drug world, etc. There is so much to go through, and explain.

  Thank-you for taking the time to read my blog post.

Link to another article on teenage drinking.

When “Just a Sip” Is Something More: Can Teen Alcoholism Start At Home?

  

 
 

2016-02-22

3D - The Longest 3D Video on YouTube (in HD) - Making YouTube History


3D - The Longest 3D Video on YouTube (in HD)



The Longest 3D Video on YouTube (YouTube Video)

Darryl Learie
  The longest 3D video you will find on YouTube is
11:59:58 hours long, and it's my video, aptly
named,"The Longest 3D (HD) Video on YouTube -
11:59:58 hours - Darryl Learie." The video is just 2
seconds shorter than YouTube's 720 minute limit on
videos.

  The video itself is a MP4 (16.62 GB, 720 x 1280, 29 fps) and took 26 hours to convert and join the 90 clips that make up the compilation. It took another 8.5 hours for the entire piece to upload, and an additional 9.5 hours for YouTube to successfully process the video.

  The 90 clips range in date from 2013 01 08 to 2015 12 29. I took much time in carefully assorting the order of the clips from most to least interesting. That way the 12 hour video should be at least engaging in the beginning and hopefully hold one's attention span for a while.

  The whole 12 hour compilation is in side by side (stereo) format (required for YouTube's HTML5 3D player). The player plays the 12 hour compilation in color anaglyph which can be watched with a pair of red/cyan paper glasses.

  Aside from the technical, I ran into a lot of problems; my video converter would constantly malfunction at around 7 hours of converting and joining files together. So I had to download and run a batch processor,'Free Video Joiner' to do the same job. The Free Video Joiner actually lost 18 minutes of footage due to dropping frames to change the frame rate to a standard of 24 fps. And when I submitted the first video to YouTube it happen to contain copyrighted songs (played on the radio in a few scenes.) Because of the copyrighted material the first video was banned in 218 countries (including Canada, and the United States).

  So I had to delete the first upload, and start all over again. Of course during my second attempt I had to go through all 90 clips to find the copyrighted songs and silence them out with my video editor.

  Than when I ran the Free Video Joiner again, I worried that the program would add frames and the final MP4 would be longer than YouTube's allowance of 720 minutes. Or that the final MP4 would be corrupted.

  But it all worked out just fine, but the second attempt did test my patience, and was rather nerve wrecking.

  Anybody could have done what I did. But no one did. With YouTube's newly imposed limitation of 720 minutes I could no longer try to create the longest YouTube video. But I could create the longest 3D video on YouTube.


Darryl Learie
Darryl Learie in 3D
                                         Use cross-eyed method to see in 3D
                                                       Stare at the image while crossing your eyes until a 3rd 3D image appears between the 2 images.

Thank you for reading, Darryl Learie 

2016-02-12

Standing Up for Mental Illness

Standing Up for Mental Illness


  If you have just one message to convey in a medium such as YouTube - how would you proceed? Is it simply enough to display a poster with your message written on it - to force the viewer to engage the video enough to read your message?

  Probably not, YouTube is already saturated with people telling their story through written cue cards. A single message would be nothing less than a reason to click unto the next video.

  I chose an unusual tactic; I stood for 4 hours, 5 minutes, and 9 seconds holding a poster that read,"Living with mental illness is painful enough...without the judgement," for my YouTube video.

  All that standing is the point, I wanted to take an unusual amount of time impressing my message upon the viewer. I wanted the viewer to mention my video to others, and how I took an un-necessary excessive action to make my point. Surely I did not need to stand there for 4 hours - 15 seconds would have been more than enough time for any one to read my poster.

  I don't expect anyone will watch the whole 4 hours, but I suspect some will see the video player timeline of 4:05:19 and wonder what am I doing for all that time. And subsequently start skipping through the video timeline.

  I think, its a video that is not only unique but also invokes thought. And making people think is part of spreading the message.

Living with mental illness is painful enough ... without the judgement

"What do you do (what do you do for a living)?" It's the question that strikes terror into my heart. I usually reply with, "I live on disability for anxiety, and depression."

  I do my best to hide my escalating anxiety as I wait to see if they accept my answer with approval or they decide to further interrogate my position.

  If they decide to go through with the interrogation, it becomes a most nerve wrecking experience. One were I'm forced to face feelings of shame, guilt, and my many insecurities. There have even been a few people who have verbally assaulted me with condemnation upholding the theory that I am a parasite enjoying the vacation of a lifetime at tax payers expense.

  Do people not realize that I have been assessed, tested, and diagnosed by a multitude of doctors, nurses, psychologists, psychiatrists, neurologists, and counselors?  Or are they quick to forget that working 9 to 5 requires a certain degree of emotional and psychological stability. Not to mention coping skills that allows one to effectively deal with social interaction, and the stresses associated with work demands.

How I really feel

 I remain psychologically fragile, which brings into question just how much about myself I should reveal in a public forum. My esteem, and confidence can and have been devastated with a single negative comment.

  But this blog post is my contribution to society; the sharing of my experience with mental illness for the benefit of others. However, there remains an inherent reluctance within me to share my plight for fear of judgement.

  During my worst moments I have felt as if I were the ugliest, and most worthless man on Earth. Its an awful feeling. It feels as if no-one would ever perceive any true value within me. Like I am genetic garbage that falls short of all the qualities everyone else values and shares.

  Not only do I feel socially awkward in the company of others, I also feel a real disconnect with people. A lot of that disconnection can be traced back to being bullied in high school (My Blog about how bullying impacted me).

 Its truly difficult for me to explain this,'disconnection' with people in general. Part of it is that there is a lot I simply don't understand about people, and conversely a lot people don't understand about me. Often I've felt like an alien in this world. A lot of times I simply feel as if people are naturally dis-interested in me and I am under appreciated.

  I find it increasingly difficult to make friends, although I do have a few good friends of which I trust. I fear that if people learn about me in my entirety they will look down upon me with contempt and/or disapproval.   

  I reckon this would make a fantastic online dating profile (joke).

  These are just a few of the thoughts associated with my ongoing depression. This is my existing state while I face the world of which I'm part. However, I do my very best to conceal my damaged self in my day to day life.

Anxiety, Paranoia, and Worry

  My anxieties and subsequent paranoia motivate me to avoid certain social situations. I really don't feel safe in public alone without my wife or a friend. Anxiety also interferes with those things of which I wish to do, like working-out, going swimming, my daily routine of cleaning myself up.

  Simple tasks like taking a shower become a real chore for me, I think about undressing, getting my new towel and clothes ready, all the body parts I have to wash, drying, putting my new clothes on, fixing my hair, shaving, brushing my teeth - ugh! 

 Many times I find myself lost in indecisiveness, should I work on this or work on that. There's no shortage of things to do. And too many times I find myself paralyzed with mental anguish, confusion, and being overwhelmed.

  Last summer my anxiety was so bad day after day, week after week that I simply could not relax. It would start in the morning with a rapid heart rate, and a deeply uncomfortable emptiness in my chess (which could be best described as an electrical storm of stressed nerves) which would eventually become tolerable in late afternoon. It was the worst summer of my life.

  I'm no stranger to panic attacks, which have lead me to the hospital a few times, and an eventual cardiac stress test (I learned that my heart was indeed healthy).

  Because I don't respond well to stress I have had many sleepless nights tossing and turning, praying that I'll eventually sleep. 

  I have too many worries, I worry about bills, money I owe on credit cards, my health, the mess in the house, what my step son is doing, my relationship with my daughter, crime in our low income neighborhood, my wife who needs to be on oxygen, and has a crippling arthritis, and whether the future will be good or not.

  I even worry about what time I have left on this Earth, and what i should do with that time.

  There have even been many times, when I have truly felt like I couldn't appropriately take care of myself and considered checking myself into Alberta Hospital (short term residency for the mentally ill). I even have thought that maybe someone should take care of me if I were to find myself living alone.

  Because my life, at times is barely tolerable.
 
  Conclusion

  Please understand that this post is not a plea for help or advice. But rather this is a snap shot of my life with mental illness. There are other issues and challenges of which I did not mention because of possible consequences to other people involved in my life. And other challenges which are hard enough for myself to come to terms with.

  More importantly, I don't need the judgement. I'm not a criminal, I have not broken any laws. I don't drink or do drugs. I have achieved a few notable goals in my life. I take care of what I need to take care of. I've done my share of volunteering and helping others. I'm a good husband to my wife. I participate in my therapies. And I strive to be productive in my own capacity. I'm a good person.

  Mental illness is painful enough...without the judgement.

  If your interested on reading my article to do with bullying you can click on the following link;

 http://www.darryllearie.com/2014/10/how-being-bullied-changed-my-life.html